this is for the no becoming yes
for scars becoming breath
for saying i love you to people who will never say it to us
for scraping away the rust and remembering how to shine
for the dime you gave away when you didn’t have a penny
for the many beautiful things we do
for every song we’ve ever sung
for refusing to believe in miracles
because miracles are the impossible coming true
and everything is possible
So many people live within unhappy circumstances and yet will not take the initiative to change their situation because they are conditioned to a life of security, conformity, and conservatism, all of which may appear to give one peace of mind, but in reality nothing is more damaging to the adventurous spirit within a man than a secure future. The very basic core of a man’s living spirit is his passion for adventure. The joy of life comes from our encounters with new experiences, and hence there is no greater joy than to have an endlessly changing horizon, for each day to have a new and different sun.
I’ve been everything.
I’ve been the person who shuts the door, alone in their room, crying at 2 AM instead of sleeping; faking a smile, barely containing myself during the day; dragging on and on and on.
I’ve been the psychologist; I’ve listened to friends cry on the phone, I know that she cuts, that he hates himself, that she lost her mother when she was 3. I see the people’s pain, but I can’t fix it.
I’ve been a success; the person who works their ass off to reach goals, the person who has a drive.
I’ve been known as the person who loves life; who laughs louder than anyone else, who laughs at their own jokes for 20 minutes, who can put a smile on someone’s face.
I have made mistakes, I’ve done things I will always regret. I’ve hurt others.
I have been forgiven and I have forgiven. I have let go of the hardest events in my life; I have moved on and felt free.
I have loved others, been loved; I see the beauty in each person. I see the sparkle in each persons’ beautiful eyes. I’ve watched passion in others, learned to be passionate.
I have hated myself.
But I have also loved myself.
And at the end of the day, I’ve learned. I’ve learned that I’m a failure, I’m a success, I’m sad, I’m incredibly happy, I’m a gift, I have flaws, I am beautiful, I have ugliness inside.
But you know what? That’s called life.
And I couldn’t ask for anything better.
Tonight I listened to a voicemail you left me three months ago. In it, you told me to go fuck myself. I still remember that night. I still remember those words rolling off your tongue so gracefully. I remember wondering how someone so beautiful could be so cruel. Two months ago I called you at three A.M. I expected you to ignore it, or to send me to voicemail; those were two of the things you were best at. You answered and I felt my heart begin to race; you probably thought it was because I missed you, but truthfully it was because I didn’t expect you to answer, and because I really had to pee. I asked you how you were and you sat there quietly and confused. It was like you forgot that I existed and that I was once a part of your life. You told me “fine” and I smiled. That was the last conversation we had. I made sure to let go of you, and every negative word that was said, in a peaceful way. Fast forward two months, and I still wonder how you are. I still wonder how your dog is and if you’ve seen any good movies lately. If you ever heard me say this, you’d probably blush like you used to whenever I said something sweet. You’d probably think I think these things because I still love you, that I still want you. But that is not the case. You see, six months ago I was jumping through hoops to please you. To make sure that you were happy before myself. To make sure that I was the one causing your happiness. But it is not six months ago. It is now. And now I simply remember you as a person I gave my soul to. A person I told secrets to at 4am and fucked to feel a sense of closeness. A person I loved, yes. But it is not six months ago. It is now, and now I miss you. I miss the way you called randomly just to ask how my day was. I miss the way you seemed to care, even if you didn’t. I miss the friendship and the secrets and the stories. And maybe one day things will be different. Maybe you’ll call me on a Tuesday afternoon and ask how my day was. These are the things I think about before my eyes slowly close and I am finally rewarded with sleep. But for right now? Go fuck yourself.